I have experienced two of the hardest months I've had in a very long time and the last two years have been a roller coaster at best. I believe with all my heart that if we have drama in our lives we bring it upon ourselves and I have really been aware in the last year or so the amount of drama I allow in my life. However; after the last month I realized that although I accomplished a great amount of my life's goals professionally in the last several years, I have accomplished nearly none of my personal goals. I feel like I have been in a long dark tunnel and I finally came into the light. There is so much in my life and in my heart that I am missing, but there are also wonderful things in my life that I can sincerely appreciate and be thankful for.
I am first thankful for my family. My Mom and My Dad. I have given them grief over the years but in all honesty, it was them that made me who I am. Good and bad and ugly. They were human and they made some mistakes but I'm not worse for the wear. I grew up and now it is my responsibility to claim my own life and build upon the foundation that they gave me. Love, hope, faith, and laughter. It is from my home that I learned to live to laugh and to love. They have not handed me life on a silver platter but they have always been there to guide me, help me, and bail me out when I really needed it and left me a fish out of water when I deserved it. At the end of the day no matter how hateful, angry, hurtful, or resentful I have been towards them, they have loved me and they have been proud of me and I am forever in their debts for giving me the life I have today.
My brother who drives me crazy at times has always been the mirror I avoid. He tells me things nobody else will tell me and sometimes he is wrong, but most of the time he is right...which just pisses me off. He is seven years younger and he has a lot of life and living and learning ahead of him but I see the potential there and I hope he continues to pursue what he loves while gaining maturity and responsibility along the way. He has never accepted anybody else's way as his own and he has been stubborn to a fault and missed out on a lot along the way but I think knowing what he could have had and knowing what he wants is two different things and maybe just maybe at the end of the day he is exactly where he needs to be.
I have not always been a good friend. I have betrayed, lied, abused and just plain been bitchy to many people who have come and gone out of my life. I did it for the same reason the bullies made my life miserable all those years ago. To stand taller, even if I was standing on top of all of them. I have been selfish, I have been needy and I have neglected people who really did love me and want what was best for me. I have been quick to judge and quick to discard and no matter what they did to me, my Mom taught me better than that and so did my upbringing.
God got the shaft in my life when he should have had the best of me. I walked away from religion because I felt like religion turned on me. I make my own choices. God gave me the free will to mess my life up all by myself. I cannot blame anyone but myself for my disconnect with him. And in my disconnect, I have become disconnected from a great many other things in my life.
I'm working. I believe that if we know where are flaws and weaknesses are, we can be stronger individuals in the journey. So, I'm working towards being a stronger person.
I recently lost quite a lot in my life, but as the dust begins to settle I really believe I gained much more than I lost. I'm exiting the tunnel and I'm seeing the light of hope on the horizon.
I'll keep anyone reading posted on that sentiment.
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