Missing You

I miss the beep beep of the Tahoe and knowing you were home
I miss your smile when you did something you know I'd be pissed about
I miss you being a jackass about my cooking...or just about anything when I think about it. 
I even miss that awful gagging in the morning when you brushed your teeth
I miss hearing you come down the hall -- no matter what was going on between us that sound always gave me peace, comfort and a sense of security because it meant you were home
I miss your laugh
I miss sharing movies, music, and tv shows with you.  You had such a knack for finding things you'd know I'd like but would never try on my own
I miss seeing how proud you were of me.  You gave me the spark to light this bitch on fire.  
I miss how you made me feel safe even if I knew if someone broke into the house I'd have to beat them with my shoe to defend us.
I miss the good times
I miss sitting at the kitchen table with you
I miss "playing" with you...poker, cards, monopoly...whatever you felt like kicking my ass at on that particular day
I even miss the bad times because inevitably I got one of your famous apologies
I miss your hugs
I miss your honesty--no matter how brutal you kept me focused on the path ahead
I miss being put in my place as you are one of few that gets away with it
I miss the smell of chocolate spray in the morning (I can't pass the Axe isle in Wal Mart right now without bursting into tears)
I miss seeing your passion for the people and things you loved the most--it was inspiring!
I miss how pissed off you'd get when my ADD ass would play with the lighters and burn them all out (I just laughed...out loud)
I miss how excited you got when you'd go out of town and come home and the house was clean and the sheets were washed and you'd jump around like it was Christmas...
I miss you needing me...even though it took me leaving for you to admit it
I miss that look in your eyes that I swear only I saw
I miss what a nerd you are
I miss you more than I ever thought possible and it hurts everyday.

We lived together for four years.  We saw happiness, love, friendship, and loss.....

I wake up each morning thinking of you and hoping you are okay.  I know you are where you need to be right now, but that doesn't stop me from missing the man you were to me.  Never in a million years could you have told me five years ago that I would be
a) crying (because YOU know I never cry) and b) knowing that I loved you this much

It's amazing what we realize as we start to identify with the loss we feel. 

When a girl imagines her knight in shining armor, you're not exactly the image that comes to mind.  (haha) but that is what you were to me.  You saved me from myself, gave me the shirt off your back, would have given me anything I asked for, and loved me like no one else ever has.  A love that I now realize brought me greater joy and fulfillment than I got from anyone outside of my family.

We said we loved each other all the time.  So I find peace in knowing that you know.  You don't have to doubt it or wonder....although I would put money down that you aren't imagining me sitting at YOUR Mac crying my eyes out writing this because you always gave me a hard time about my inability to cry...as it turns out you brought that out in me too! And you'd be giving me an even harder time for being at YOUR mac.  But this is home to me...it has been for four years and I'd rather be here surrounded by the memories we had than anywhere else right now. 

You always used to smile and say the right thing just when I needed you to.  You have NO idea how many times I've gone to call you so that you can make all this okay...but you can't.  And that leaves me feeling awfully alone dear.  Because I need you right now.  I need you to tell me it will all be okay.  I need you to tell me what to do...but you're not here to do that.  So I'm doing my best to do what I think you'd want me to do.  And I just have to hope that when you return...you'll understand and forgive me if I fucked it up too bad. 

I don't regret moving.  I have learned through the years that if you try to save someone who is drowning by getting in the water with them, they will drown you to save themselves.  I had to get my own boat so that I could reach out the hand to you that you always had reached out to me.  I know it broke your heart and I know that you are angry that I left you when you needed me the most.  It broke my heart to do it that day and I have struggled with it since the day I walked out.  I knew what I had, I didn't need to leave to appreciate it.  The reality is though, that I didn't really have it anymore. 

 You hate it when I write. You always bitched at me for not just saying what was on my mind...and for the first time I think I could sit down and say all that I need to say, but I'm not allowed to see you.  It breaks my heart and I miss you intensely and it seems there is nobody here that understands...they didn't see what we had when it was just you and I.  It was good times.  The best times.  And as I lay down in bed each night I pray that I will some day get you back.

You are my dearest and closest friend.  You have been a real jackass at times and I could have killed you in your sleep (until you started locking the door out of fear) but I always loved you and always will.  You will forever be my Knight in Shining Armor.  I hope you find your damn horse fast...my head hurts from all this damn crying!



ONE LOVE.