Social Anxiety

Here is something personal about me, that many may have instincts about but may not realize the full impact of....it is important to put this in writing for me because it puts it in a format that I can relate to and hopefully move forward from.

I have struggled for as long as I can remember with social anxiety. I have never been to a shrink so I don't know the "real" term as I'm sure some a trained professional would have a more intelligent phrasing than, I'm just scared shitless of any situation that forces me to socialize with others, even those I may already know.

I have known Cody Turner for, good greif too many years to count. I met him one fateful day in a bus the Friday before Spring Break. He was going home with my best friend at the time for a week's vacation with thier family. He spit gum out the window and it landed in my seat. When I turned to find out what they were laughing about, I sat in the gum. I called my then friend's house at the time and left a very long and probably distasteful message about how rude and idiotic they both were and how I had no desire to ever see or hear from this Cody person ever again. So, Cody called me himself when he got home to apologize and somehow we have remained friends through junior high, high school, college, and whatever now is--life I suppose. And yet, to this day. I still think of 45 reasons NOT to go to his house when invited. NO, I realize this makes no sense but just about every time I talk myself out of it. I was there not long ago for one of the kiddos birthdays and I was a little sad. For a long time, I didn't see him or his son for reasons that I didn't have much control over, but now--I have no excuse and I see how old they are all getting and feeling awful that I am not more a part of thier lives.

So to summarize, I get extremely anxious or nervous when put in any social setting; regardless of comfort level or surroundings. I am outgoing in controlled settings and I love to get up on stage (go figure) but when in a setting where I have no percieved control--I feel completly vulnerable and exposed. It takes me a really long time to feel comfortable and I really really suck at small talk. So, I often feel extremely out of place and am convinced that as soon as I leave everyone is talking about me...(something I preach all the time--I don't care what anybody else thinks of me--yea it's bullshit. I do care, probably more than others--self image issues; another blog all together)

Now, I have always had issues. I was the kid in elementary school that got teased and made fun of, all the sad stories about the dorks and social rejects---yea it happened to me. Sticky stuff on my seat at school, farting noises in the hall, nobody sitting by me at lunch...yea. That was me. As I got older, it did get better and by high school, I had a niche. Band. So, life got better and much more tolerable. However; I suppose I needed more than anything to be somebody's priority. It always felt as though all of my friends through the years always had something or somebody else that was more important to me. I was never anyone's number one. I think with confidence that I have been thier number one when they needed me but very often I felt pushed aside for prettier, more popular, more fun alternatives. I was the go to girl. Most of my friends were of the male persuasion and nearly all of them wanted advice on how to date OTHER girls. Never me. I had friends that would call and say..hey you'll never guess who called and asked me to go to the movies---you understand if we go out another day right? It wasn't just once or twice it was from as far back as I can remember. I have decided in my sick way of dealing with it over the years that my life would be either a really sad drama or a hillarious comedy. Still deciding which. I guess it really all depends on the ending....

So here I am today. January 1, 2010 deciding that this year is the year I face my fears , deal with my issues and break out of the social anxiety. Because in all honesty, I'm worth it and all that I have come through to be here and now, have made me who I am--the good and the bad. It isn't how far you fall but how you pull yourself back up. I can't feel sorry for myself or expect others to miracously say and do all that I expect them to...I have to start making some of my own moves in this category.

I often watch shows like Extreme Home Makeover and Ellen when they have people who have done amazing things and overcome extreme challenges to reach out and make a difference in others lives. This is my goal. (Not to be on TV) but to make a significant difference in at least one life before I leave this earth. To know that goals that I pursued and dreamed about made a difference to someone else. I need to be my own number one. I need to do what is right, what I beleive in, and what I am passionate about every day. I need to find the worth in myself before I can expect anyone else to respect it in me.

So, how can you help? Invite me over and I will make this my promise. I will never say NO> I think Jim Carey was in a movie about this...and I think I may rent it. I will say yes when there is an opportunity to spend time with friends and neighbors. I will reach out and make new friends and break down my wall enough to let some people in. I'm about to be very alone if I don't.

On a side note, my official "hobby" is photography. I think this may be my way of breaking out of my social anxiety and getting in there...with a camera. So, if you have a need for pictures; family, events, etc... I'd love to offer my services--for free in 2010. I can't promise much, but in this economy--free is never a bad thing!

I'll have my people call your people! ;)