What I'll Miss

Four years ago my brother was in a hip hop group called Deuce 81 G.A.G.E.   It was owned and managed by Michael Canales, his brother Ryan, and Gerald DeLoach, Jr. under the label, Home Team Records.  They recorded and produced out of Mike's old bedroom, that was just around the corner from my parents house in Richmond.  Greg is seven years younger than me, so if we knew the same people it was generally through siblings.  He came home one day and said, do you know a Mike Canales?  I said, No.  He laughed and said, well he knows you.  You were a senior and he was a freshman in band.  I asked if he used to go by Eric and the connection was made.  Mike was now working full time and looking to buy a house for the group so that they could get out of his parents house and create a studio space.  At the time, I was living at home with my parents and looking for a way out.  Greg had just graduated and we had considered getting an apartment, but then the idea came that I could share the rent with Mike in whatever house he was going to buy and help with general housekeeping, etc...for a chance to get out from under my parents and move on.  After what I would now consider a very breif consideration of the thought, we decided that yes--I would move in, split the mortgage and take care of the house.  In July 2006, it was official.  We moved to Katy to the Beechview house and I officially lived with a hip hop label.  In the pictures to the right of move in day, you will see Kat, Gerald's brother wrappedin packing plastic.  The move in crew taking a cereal break on the stairs, and the house the day we moved in...for those who have seen recent pics--notice how small the grapefruit tree is!

Over the last four years, it has changed significantly.  The members of the original group broke off over time and it became just one artist, Gerald.  Tuk drifted back about a year and half ago because he was working in Katy and soon after became the hype man. Roomies have come and gone...all a variety and diverse grouping.   In all that time, I stayed in the house.  I have the master bedroom--I wasn't going anywhere unless I had to!  People often ask why on earth I would chose to live with all boys and on top of that a hip hop label, but for me it was home and those boys were my family.  Mike, Gerald, Tuk, and Ryan were pretty consistent over the last 2 years.  Ryan came and went for college but spent the majority of his time here and of course we always had visitors....too many to count!  The boys were trying to make me feel better about all the changes last night and Gerald said, well there won't be a mess to clean up, or laundry to do, or food to cook, or girls coming and going, and recording until all hours and general noise and chaos..."this sounds like a good deal to me" he said with that infamous smile....well sure.  But I was clinging to what I would miss:

*  The every day knowing them.  They changed so much over the last two years.  They grew up, the found a sound, they pursued the dream with more passion than ever, they performed on stage, they traveled--it was a big year and I was somehow a part of that.  I saw it happen. 

* The music.  Sure I will see them perform whenever I can make it out to Austin to see them and I will hopefully get the tracks as they come to Mike to review...I've always heard it long before it is released to the masses but I think I loved more that I could hear them come together...Gerald would sing a hook in the kitchen or start to bring a verse together in the garage.  Or coming around a corner to see him zoned out with his notepad, pen, headphones and ipod.  I was there as it was pieced together and would always smile in the few opportunies I had to voice my opinion...it was a feeling of belonging and a sharing of something intimate.  Music for Gerald was personal and it was an honor to be around as he put it all togther. 

*The garage.  I will miss sitting out in the garage for hours at a time watching them practice for a show, or talking about "the females" or laughing about nothing at all...those times..and those memories are the ones I will cherish for as long as I can remember them.  There are not words for all the greatness that happened in that garage, only smiles, laugheter and tears...

*The meals.  I will miss cooking for them.  I can't put my finger on why exactly but I would venture to say that it was often the only time I had them all to myself over the last several months.  Especially since I have been unemployed.  Sitting at the kitchen table talking to them one on one as they came to me with different things...it was always how I knew and felt the love...the time. 

*I will miss how they each made me smile and laugh in thier own ways.  How Gerald would smile and say my name when he wanted something or how Tuk always had my back and I think I might even miss Ryan's constant opinions...good and bad.

*Rockband, guitar hero, and all things wii.  Good times....good times. 

* Hearing Gerald learn to play guitar

* Getting to know Tuk.  He is an amazing individual with so much unique possibility--I'm sad I won't see it all come together for him...because I know it will.  He is so close....I will certainly miss our talks, I think of everyone (minus Mike) I have really talked to Tuk the most and I will miss his eager ear and kind words. 

*Watching Ryan shrink in size but grow in confidence

* The firsts.  Seeing them on stage that first time in Austin..I had a smile from ear to ear.  I have never been more proud.

*Knowing the behind the scenes.  The everyday.  The likes and the dislikes of the moment.  Hearing them work out what they were going through.  That is what I think I will miss the most

 

I shed actual tears writing all of that, and I needed it.  That is why I sat down to write this.  Sometimes you have to know what you're missing to appreciate what you had.  I always did know that what I had was special.  That my time with them was precious.  And that if I beleived in them as I knew I did, I would have to say goodbye someday.  I have no idea what this move will bring for them--I can say what I hope it brings but if I've learned anything from these boys it is that hope is good but in order to succeed you must have expecations instead.  An expectation that they will build recognition, familiarity, break the mold, create a genre of music, to make music to live instead of making a living to make music...  I have never wanted any part of the fame.  I'd rather them just come by and see me whether it is a show at Wharehouse Live or the freaking Toyota center.  Just a hug and a smile and the memory that I once knew them better than most and that same ear to ear smile of pride for all they've done is all they've ever had to or will ever have to give me.  Just to know I was part of the journey and I beleive made a small imprint on thier hearts as I know they made a signifcant mark in mine.

 

So, it's back to just Mike and I.  We have lived in the house without them before...and we will do it again.  He is my closest friend and I have been blessed to stay here and have the experiences I just shared because of him.  I know he'd love to be with them now, but his day will come and then I will really have to let go.  I still find comfort in knowing that as long as he is still here, they have more than just me to come back and visit for and I can still be in the loop...but I know...it won't ever be the same. 

I miss them and I guess it is hard for anyone outside to understand why it is so hard to let go...but having less laundry, cleaning and cooking to do is really not a bonus....it is just lonely.  I liked feeling needed.  I liked knowing that it mattered that I was here.  It is what made it home and what made it a family for me.  I suppse when one door closes another opens.....

We shall see.

Pictured below are "my boys"  Gerald with the mic looking directly at me when he was performing...it was a miracle the camera snapped when it did and it will always be my favorite picture of him.  Sound check with Gerald, Tuk, and Ryan.  And Gerald and Tuk on stage in Austin at Ace's.  Thier first ATX show and the start of something new...I knew that night it would all begin to change...and it was bitersweet then as it is now. 

This is my Goodbye...I love you boys!  You will forever be "my boys"  :)